Loving an addict is difficult, and you will find this the hard way. Over and over, he will choose drugs over love…over you. However much it hurts, it’s best to know that this isn’t about you–it’s about his addiction.
“Drugs or me?!?” You may have given this ultimatum to your spouse or significant other who is struggling with alcohol or drug addiction.
Deep in your heart, you hoped he’s going to choose you. After all, if he truly loves you, he’ll choose you, right?
Wrong.
He chose drugs over love. And he would do it over and over again–unless he gets help.
Reality Bites
The truth is, when you love an addict, you’re putting yourself in a whole new different scenario where the laws of love and loyalty are thrown out the window.
Even if you endure everything for him, even if you’ve reached the point you’ve had enough, your ultimatum will not work.The person you once fell in love with, the same guy whom you once believed loved you so much, doesn’t seem to be there any more. He is now replaced by this horrible stranger who lies and betrays you, steals from you, hides from you. Someone who keeps you up at night for days, shutting you off his life for days at a time, neglecting you and even your children.
What you need to know is even if you issue ultimatums and threats, he’s always going to choose drugs over love, over you.
What you need to know about addiction
Addicts are obsessed with drugs to the point that those are the only things they see. They eat (if they really do), breathe, and live for their next hit, their next high.
He would compulsively go after the effects the drugs give him, so much so that this compulsion is not within his control.
So even if he wants to choose you, he can’t.
Remember, if he can simply stop, he wouldn’t be an addict in the first place.
The unbearable urge
The urge to use drugs on a regular basis is such that it becomes a psychological and physical need. Stopping gives them unpleasant, and often dangerous, side effects. Over time, the substances take a toll on how his brain works.Now, the life on drugs is his norm, and nothing else feels real–not even you, not even love.
And at this point, it’s not his choice anymore. He may badly want to choose you, but he can’t. It’s not that he wants to put drugs over you, or that he would like to choose drugs over you, but it’s because he has to. For him, it feels like he doesn’t have a choice.
Aside from you, he would choose drugs over his job, his career, his friends, his family, his healthy, and even his own life.
Your role in his addiction
Loving an addict is indescribably painful. You see him transform right before your eyes, slowly yet surely destroying himself–right before your eyes. And when you try to stop him, he gets angry at you. You may come to the point when you scream and blame, but then, he turns the tables and blames you. Sometimes, he would blame you so many times that you would start that it’s all really your fault.
So what can you do?
First of all, understand that you are powerless over his addiction. Even if you think he chooses drugs over you, it’s really not personal. What you can do is to be in control of your own life, so set your boundaries and focus on taking care of yourself.
Whether you decide to stay with your spouse or loved one who is an active addict, it is your decision. You may, however, need to get help and support for yourself. Meanwhile, offer support and help for the addict too.
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