On Co-Dependents: How Families Cope with Addiction

It’s hard for co-dependents, or families, of an addict to cope with all the trouble and deception they have to go through with their addicted loved ones. The real problem, however, lies in what happens in their brains. Do you know that co-dependents can have altered brain chemistry too–all because of their loved ones’ addiction?

You may never know what pain is like until you live with someone who is an addict. So it’s no surprise that many people who love and live with someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol would feel like going insane. This is because they have to deal with a chaotic mix of emotions on a daily basis, such as fear, worry, anger, hurt, confusion, shame, love, resentment, and more. All this comes as a price to pay for loving someone who has an addiction.

For someone who has a spouse, child, or parent who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, it might be perfectly reasonable to believe that all your problems will be gone if only they would stop using or drinking. They would think that life will go back to “normal” and they will all be happy if only their loved one will stop their substance abuse.

However, this is nearly impossible without professional intervention. There are already many chemical changes that have happened to the brain of the addict. Little do you know that it’s not only them that has a problem. Even you, as families of an addict, have chemical changes in your brain as a co-dependent in the addiction. These chemical changes are due to the things that you have gone through as you brain constantly experiences stress, anxiety, restlessness, fear, anger, and many other emotions.

The co-dependent brain

The brain functions with the help of neurotransmitters, which are chemical messengers that allows us to feel what we feel given particular stimuli. These feelings are complex, and can range from thirst, to anger, to desire, to frustration, and many others. The most important of these messengers is the norepinephrine, also known as adrenaline.

Norepinephrine is the “fight or flight” neurochemical that is responsible for making you feel a rush of energy when you’re in a midst of a dangerous situation. This is nature’s way of keeping you safe from harm.

For example, when your house suddenly catches on fire norepinephrine is released in your brain to keep you alert and energized to escape. The receptors in your brain have so-called “parking spaces” where the norepinephrine attaches itself to deliver the message to your brain. This is what allows you to move quickly than you normally would to keep yourself safe, take the necessary action, and run.

When the event is over, the chemical is released from the parking spot, to be reused again later. This allows you to feel calm and safe as the rush subsides. You heart rate returns to normal and your breathing eventually evens out.

However, in the case of living with an addict, there’s a constant stimulation that allows you to always release norepinephrine. Therefore, constant recycling isn’t enough. In an effort then to regain a normal balance, the brain will begin to destroy the chemicals permanently, as it understands that there’s just too much “fight or flight” mode going on. This then causes an imbalance to the co-dependent’s brain.

Over time, when there is still too much fight-or-flight going on because you are put under constant stress, your brain will also start to destroy the parking spaces, the receptors. Once these are destroyed, they can’t be restored. They will never again receive the chemicals they were designed to receive.

So when a family member of an addict is always in a state of worry and fear, it will try to take action. However, adrenaline is destroyed as well as its receptors.

When insanity takes over

In time, the co-dependent feels a sort of numbing with all that is happening. What used to be dangerous doesn’t feel to be so anymore. There is not enough “danger” chemicals to signal and convey the appropriate feelings in turn to the responses. This is when the co-dependent begins to accept that the situation their addicted loved one is in is actually okay, like there’s nothing wrong.

For example, it may feel okay or normal for them to be hurt or physically abused by their addicted family member. It may even be okay for them to have this person around their children, or for their children to see them getting physically abused by the addict. They may even cover up their indiscretions and crimes, or at most join them to make the addicted loved one happy. This is the product of constant chaos.

The co-dependent is no longer capable of making safe choices, and they don’t also have the right feelings for certain situations, especially those that are high-stress ones.

Withdrawal, just like in substance addiction, occurs for the co-dependent as well. If there are no high-stress or dangerous situations, they will feel sad, restless, unable to eat or sleep. Like addicts themselves, they will crave for the adrenaline rush and therefore constantly seek the addict, check on them, and even initiate arguments themselves. A classic example is a battered spouse who still returns to their addicted spouse even after repeated domestic violence and abuse.

Do you have a family member who is addicted? Do you feel like a co-dependent who is lured into all the drama that is brought upon your family by the addiction? We’re here to help. Call or text us at 09175098826 for our Manila facilities and for Cebu and nearby provinces, 09177046659.