What if you find yourself in dating an addict? When addiction turns out to be the third wheel in your relationship, is love really enough? Here are the 5 things you’d wish you knew before dating–and falling for–an addict.
So you have a stable job, a great social life, and a loving family. You have a plan for your life, high hopes for the future, a great outlook–and best of all, you have a new boyfriend.
You met him at a party, a friend’s friend. He’s charming, he’s got great taste in music and movies, you two have the most engrossing conversations. In short, he’s everything you wanted in a guy and more. Soon, you’re head-over-heels in love with him.
There will be times when he’d be clingy and affectionate, but there will be times when he’d stare off into the distance, brooding and mysterious. And this strangeness, this mystery in him, drew you closer to him. If was only after dating him for a few months when you found out that he has been smoking pot and meth. He has a long history of drug abuse, but you believe it’s all good–he’s not harming you in some way, he seems to have everything in his life in order and going for him, and you love him. Maybe you can change him.
Well, this is just one of the many love stories people have with someone struggling with addiction. Whether it’s meth, cocaine, marijuana, pain killers, ecstasy, alcohol, sex, gambling, or any other addiction, it most often comes out the same: you will learn your lessons the hard way when you are dating an addict
Here’s the 5 things you wish you had known before dating someone with addiction:
1. You can’t save him. Many people continue having a relationship with an addict in the hopes that they can change the addict. Of course, you love him and you want to help him. You know that behind that drug-depended body is a brilliant, amazing person. You believe that by being there for him, being the person who loves him the most, you can help him fight his own demons and eventually help him be free of his addiction.
Well, this is a hard lesson to learn: the addict has to find it within himself to seek help and begin their recovery. However, don’t take it upon yourself to make him change, because his recovery really has nothing to do with you. He has to do it for himself.
2. You come first. “You can’t give away what you don’t have.” You can’t give love if you don’t love yourself first. Whether or not you’re in a relationship with an addict, you really have to put yourself first. That’s a basic tenet in any relationship. You have to put your needs, desires, and health first, especially when your partner is an addict, which can hugely impact many aspects of your life. It’s easy to get drawn into the vacuum of your partner’s addiction, especially with all the lies and manipulation. However, you have to take care of yourself first.
3. You’re not a punching bag or sounding board. Addiction has many effects to the addict. It can cause them to be aggressive, unpredictable, manipulative, violent, and defensive. A normal conversation can easily turn into an all-out screaming session that can even leave one or both of you physically hurt. An addict can leave you utterly frustrated because in their mind, they’re right or they are not doing anything wrong. They may even blame you for their actions, say hurtful things to you just to get you off their case, and even hurt you. It’s a constant struggle, but you don’t have to be part of that. You are not his verbal or physical punching bag. You deserve to be treated more than that.
4. Love isn’t enough. You may think you’re not loving him hard enough, that you have to be more patient, more loving, more understanding, and maybe in time he’ll see what you’ve done and finally change his ways. Well, this is a fairy tale. Love is not enough to keep him from doing drugs or drinking. While he may love you, their addiction goes beyond that love to the point that they can’t even control their own compulsions and actions. Love really isn’t enough.
5. Addiction is a disease. Addiction is not a mental weakness or a moral failing. You can’t give him ultimatums that if he loves you he will stop using, or that you’ll leave if he won’t stop using. The thing is–he can’t stop even if he wants to. He’s all caught up in the addiction–physically and mentally dependent on something that they themselves may even be struggling to break free from. Therefore, most often, treatment is the only option. The best thing that you can do is to help get him the treatment that he needs.
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